People-Pleasing

What would you do if someone didn’t like you? Or, perhaps more tellingly, what would you do in order to get someone to like you? If the thought of the first fills you with a flutter of dread and the answer to the second is “anything”, you might be afflicted with a common ailment. This condition is crippling, futile, and above all, static. It’s called people-pleasing, and it’s much more common than you might think.
It’s so easy to get sucked into that people tend to adapt to the situation and accept it as normal. That can seem insane to those who are not in the middle of it. I had a client* who thought it normal, if annoying, for her to “have” to answer her grandmother’s phone calls and to participate in 45-minute long conversations to the tune of three times a day. That was her reality. Another client allowed her traditional parents to make her question her choice to join a law firm and to marry her fiancée, who wanted to pursue social work, because they wanted her to join the family business. She is still reminded constantly how she has let the family down, even though previous businesses the family has owned have gone into bankruptcy. She has considered giving in just to stop the onslaught.
From the outside, it may seem easy to laugh at these people as foolish or off-balance, but think to yourself if people-pleasing has ever made you do something someone else might think just as foolish. Have you ever ended up doing something you didn’t want, like fulfilling family obligations or taking on a higher workload, just because someone else might “be mad at you”? How many of you have felt badly about yourself, like you are a failure as a mother, son, sibling, or friend, because you didn’t do what someone else told you that you should? In addition to many of the other things mentioned, I have ended up apologizing to people in my life when I did nothing wrong, just to keep them from being angry with me. These behaviors just trap people in an endless cycle, solving nothing.
Why do we do these things? Sometimes, it is about how we want to define ourselves. The state of being liked by others becomes the condition that means we are “good people.” It can be about something another person is holding over your head. Shelter, free babysitting, and job security can be incentives to go beyond what is healthy to make another person happy. Many times people prefer preserving the actual relationship, no matter the quality, to their own well-being.
I think the question at the base of all this is, “Who does people-pleasing actually help?” It may seem worth it to efface yourself for the needs of others, but in reality it’s not. By giving in to the unhealthy want of another person, you are reinforcing their behavior. You will have to continue giving in again, and again, and again, in order to continue meeting that need. It will never be enough. You will continue to pour yourself out to meet their needs, and they will continue to take from you. And you will be more and more miserable.
Here’s the kicker. You don’t have to do it.
Your great-aunt will still love you even if you can only make it to see her once a week instead of daily, though she might complain a little. Your friend may leave you in a huff when you break your deferential silence and tell him, hey, it might not be the best idea to blow brain cells you can’t get back doing X, but is that a person that is really healthy to be around?
You do not have to live your life looking for what will make other people happy. Your relationship with others will be strengthened without the anger at being taken advantage of simmering below the surface. The fact is, if their behavior irritates and inconveniences you, it does the same to others as well. By refusing to put up with it in a loving manner, you are actually aiding in making them a person other people will want to be around. That’s why it’s okay to look out for your well-being, and that of your children or spouse. Refusing to people-please does everyone a favor.
If you have a challenge with people-pleasing you would like to get help with, email me at stephanieadams@family-counseling.org and maybe I will be able to address YOUR need in a future column. I look forward to hearing from you!

*All identifying information has been disguised in all examples to protect confidentiality.

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Stephanie Ann Adams performs her unique and practical brand of therapy online at Beginnings Counseling & Consulting. (www.stephanieadamslpc.com) She is licensed as a professional counselor. She knew she was meant to be a therapist (whether she was willing or not!) when her fellow freshman started showing up at her dorm room at random times to talk about their problems. Since her practicum through Dallas Baptist University, when she was first able to start seeing clients, she knew she made the right career choice. She considers anytime she is able to provide others with something that helps them the best reward for the work she does. Before she was married, Stephanie Ann Adams had a last name that began with "S", and initials S.A.S. – thus, many of her friends gave her the nickname “Sassy.” Stephanie married Tim in May 2009. She would go on here about how wonderful he is, but he would be embarrassed about it. Outside of time spent in “psych nerd” pursuits, she enjoys reality tv drama and reading obsessively. Some of her favorite things are rainy days, Butterfingers and her old, scratched-up ’95 Camry.

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