Why Can't We Be Friends?

From the very beginning of your existence, your parents have taken care of you. If you’re lucky, they did a good job and it and when you grow up, part of you will miss the day-to-day love and devotion it took to take care of you. But the reality is, each of us has to take that step. (If you’re not ever going to be ready to do that, that’s a whole ‘nother problem and we need to talk.) When that does happen, the question becomes, how do we change the relationship with our parents from that of a helpless dependence to an adult friendship of equals?
The role of a parent is unique, and some things will never change. I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t matter how wonderful my husband is, (and he is wonderful!) a little part of me will always want my mom when I’m sick. Aside from those basic exceptions, however, it is possible for adult children to make a healthy transition to the friend of their parents. If you want to let your parents know you’re ready for a relationship on a new level, don’t just wish they would “get it.” Remember, they’ve seen you as a dependent for eighteen years. We’re the ones changing, not them, and it’s our job to show them we are responsible, thoughtful individuals now, not to just assume they should know this automatically.
There’s no solution that encompasses everything, but there’s a few things I’ve learned along the way that helps the process. The first thing is to remember for you to ask about them. Your parents agree with you that you are indisputably awesome and probably better than any other kid in America. It’s understood. So it’s okay to not always talk about that. Ask about their lives: their friends, their jobs, and their hobbies.
Another thing to remember is to resist the temptation to go immediately to your parents when something goes wrong and have them bail you out. I know: real life sucks sometimes. But how do you ever expect them to stop treating you like a kid who can’t handle life if you don’t handle life? You can’t complain about them constantly butting into your life if you’re the one who has laid out the welcome mat. I’ve talked to many adult children who are shocked when their mother won’t stop giving her opinion, when they ask her about it. Incredibly horrible of her, I know. That’s another aspect of this admonition. If you don’t want your parents to weigh in on a choice you’ve made, don’t phrase it as a question. If you ask them, “what do you think?” they will tell you. If you want to have an adult relationship, share information with your parents, don’t ask them to help you come up with a solution. They’ve been fixing your problems for years, and honestly, they deserve a break.
A third thing to consider is making the relationship a priority. It is already a priority to your parents. But they probably worry about where they stand, now that you are all caught up in the excitement of a life on their own. They may still enjoy the quiet, or the chance to live their own lives, but part of them is probably thinking, “do I still matter to them?” A simple solution is to put yourself on a mental schedule to remind you to make them a part of your life. Everybody has different demands on their time, so there’s not a hard-and-fast solution for everyone, but there is a right solution for you. Perhaps your right number for letting them know you care is once a month, perhaps it’s every few days. Whatever it is, remind yourself to give them a call, write them a letter, or send them a funny youtube video. (If they can figure out how to open it.) This lets them know they still fit into your new life.
In the very, very distant, practically unimaginable future, you will likely have kids that are your own age now. They will move out. They will have a life outside of you. What kind of relationship would you want with them?