People-Pleasing

What would you do if someone didn’t like you? Or, perhaps more tellingly, what would you do in order to get someone to like you? If the thought of the first fills you with a flutter of dread and the answer to the second is “anything”, you might be afflicted with a common ailment. This condition is crippling, futile, and above all, static. It’s called people-pleasing, and it’s much more common than you might think.
It’s so easy to get sucked into that people tend to adapt to the situation and accept it as normal. That can seem insane to those who are not in the middle of it. I had a client* who thought it normal, if annoying, for her to “have” to answer her grandmother’s phone calls and to participate in 45-minute long conversations to the tune of three times a day. That was her reality. Another client allowed her traditional parents to make her question her choice to join a law firm and to marry her fiancée, who wanted to pursue social work, because they wanted her to join the family business. She is still reminded constantly how she has let the family down, even though previous businesses the family has owned have gone into bankruptcy. She has considered giving in just to stop the onslaught.
From the outside, it may seem easy to laugh at these people as foolish or off-balance, but think to yourself if people-pleasing has ever made you do something someone else might think just as foolish. Have you ever ended up doing something you didn’t want, like fulfilling family obligations or taking on a higher workload, just because someone else might “be mad at you”? How many of you have felt badly about yourself, like you are a failure as a mother, son, sibling, or friend, because you didn’t do what someone else told you that you should? In addition to many of the other things mentioned, I have ended up apologizing to people in my life when I did nothing wrong, just to keep them from being angry with me. These behaviors just trap people in an endless cycle, solving nothing.
Why do we do these things? Sometimes, it is about how we want to define ourselves. The state of being liked by others becomes the condition that means we are “good people.” It can be about something another person is holding over your head. Shelter, free babysitting, and job security can be incentives to go beyond what is healthy to make another person happy. Many times people prefer preserving the actual relationship, no matter the quality, to their own well-being.
I think the question at the base of all this is, “Who does people-pleasing actually help?” It may seem worth it to efface yourself for the needs of others, but in reality it’s not. By giving in to the unhealthy want of another person, you are reinforcing their behavior. You will have to continue giving in again, and again, and again, in order to continue meeting that need. It will never be enough. You will continue to pour yourself out to meet their needs, and they will continue to take from you. And you will be more and more miserable.
Here’s the kicker. You don’t have to do it.
Your great-aunt will still love you even if you can only make it to see her once a week instead of daily, though she might complain a little. Your friend may leave you in a huff when you break your deferential silence and tell him, hey, it might not be the best idea to blow brain cells you can’t get back doing X, but is that a person that is really healthy to be around?
You do not have to live your life looking for what will make other people happy. Your relationship with others will be strengthened without the anger at being taken advantage of simmering below the surface. The fact is, if their behavior irritates and inconveniences you, it does the same to others as well. By refusing to put up with it in a loving manner, you are actually aiding in making them a person other people will want to be around. That’s why it’s okay to look out for your well-being, and that of your children or spouse. Refusing to people-please does everyone a favor.
If you have a challenge with people-pleasing you would like to get help with, email me at stephanieadams@family-counseling.org and maybe I will be able to address YOUR need in a future column. I look forward to hearing from you!

*All identifying information has been disguised in all examples to protect confidentiality.

A Therapeutic Definition

“Well, you just need to get therapy.”
For most, the idea that they might need professional help is an insult. Other people can make the unfair judgment that you cannot handle your own problems, and so you need somebody to fix you. At times, it can actually feel like those around you are saying, “I cannot handle you, so go to someone else and give me a break.” With this kind of distorted view, who in the world would want to get therapy?
The first step to true help is realizing that all of these negative and shameful misconceptions are false. I think it is insulting to tell someone they need another person to "fix" them. The only way that anyone will be able to achieve a fundamental and life-altering change is if they choose to do it themselves. My job as a professional counseling intern, temporarily licensed by the state of Texas until I complete the required term of supervised practice, is to help and guide them in changing themselves. I do not believe that any one person or group is capable of changing somebody else. Anyone who has ever witnessed two fully capable, intelligent people brought to tears by a toddler’s refusal to consume something green can agree with me.
People go to a car mechanic when they know something is wrong with their vehicle, but are unable to fix it. Likewise, when people come to see me, they know that things in their life need to be different or better, but they do not know where to start. Just like the car mechanic, I am only a resource. Would you feel shameful in consulting your doctor about a broken arm, or using a cookbook to find the right ingredients to make the perfect cheesecake? Why then, should there be any shame in consulting a person who has education, training, and licensure in helping people work through their personal problems?
What a counselor can provide for you is the benefit of their training, which is then tailored to your specific needs and personality. By not being a part of your inner circle of friends and family, I am able to solely focus on you, the client. Because I am separate from your life, I bring in no pre-existing assumptions. At times, people may think that their best friends or spouse can help listen and work out their problems, but this is not always the case. People we are close to are unable to be objective about what we are going through. I can hear what you are saying without a sense of lifelong pessimism or extreme devotion of a best friend or spouse. By having this objectivity, I can see things in your life that you are unable to, just as you could if I, as a stranger, was telling you about mine.
Therapy is about being there for you. It is about listening first, then supporting and guiding you as you undergo difficult changes in your life. What I want most, the very reason I choose to be a therapist, is to be there with you as you shape yourself into the person you always wanted to be. Later on, after you have reached that place you hoped for, we will part and you will go on to live your newly changed life. If that is what you want for yourself, come on in to see me. I will meet you there.