Unsafe People

As a small child in short pants and a hat with a propeller on top, your parents taught you about “stranger danger.” This warning involved solicitation for help finding lost puppies, and offers of wonderfully sugary candies or thrilling car rides. These are valid dangers, but the thing your parents may not have known how to tell you about is people who are dangerous not in the physical but in the emotional sense of the word.
Identifying the types of people that are unsafe to be around is not something we are born knowing how to do, at least not for me. It took me years, in some cases, to learn my lesson. It was a book by Cloud & Townsend, called Safe People, which helped me see what I didn’t know. The book outlines for the layperson some of the hidden dangers in people that we often don’t know how to acknowledge. For many people, seeing this invites immediate, electric identification. I know that person. She was my neighbor! That was exactly how so-and-so in college treated me!
Here are some of the things they tell you to look for when trying to negotiate this balance in your own relationships. An unsafe person avoids problems instead of dealing with them. Why does this make someone unsafe? Because if the problems are avoided, they just keep coming back. I know. I allowed a cycle to continue with a person I was close to in which we would stop speaking for up to a year at a time, and then get back together like nothing happened because we missed each other so much. We never resolved anything, and that is why we ended up in the same situation three times.
For an unsafe person, it’s always somebody else’s fault, not theirs. Logically, that’s just not possible. Sometimes, it’s going to be your fault, and most likely it’s usually a combination of factors. Unsafe people shy away from emotional intimacy, and those walls make things dangerous for those that care about them. Those walls mean that the person who resists can leave the relationship anytime without getting hurt, while the safe person who allowed this person into their life is crushed in the break-up.
A dear friend and I were discussing recently how we learned some of this the hard way. From my perspective, the quality that had been tripping her up was one of the things I liked best about her, which is an undying sense of loyalty to those she cares about. (Another quality of an unsafe person: instability over time instead of consistency. This definition would, therefore, make my friend super-safe to be close to.) Loyalty, however, can be abused by those who don’t see its’ value. For me, my personal challenge has been that I focus on people’s potential goodness instead of the reality of their current state.
I still believe that was partially the right way to go. The people I invite into my life are welcomed because I see how incredibly interesting and amazing they seem to be, and want to be around that myself. But you can’t choose to be around someone for who they might be, but for who they are right now. I understand, that’s easier said than done. Sometimes because the person might be a family member, or incredibly sexy, or just a really cool person, the temptation can be to keep things going.
When I think about the unsafe people I’ve had in my life, some of the things they’ve done still hurt. I still miss them, and wish things could have turned out differently between us. I think that’s normal. We’re not meant to go through life as robots. In order to experience the fullness of love and joy in the world, we have to expose ourselves to pain. The balance to that is in saying, “I deserve to be treated with respect. It’s not okay to accuse me of things I didn’t do. It’s not okay to punish me by withdrawing your affections when I make mistakes, rather than talking to me about it in a loving manner.”
It’s not an impassible divide. An unsafe person can learn to be safe. The key is, you must wait until that happens. After you get to know the neighbor down the street, it’s okay to accept her lollipops and to ride in her car. But please don’t do it before. I know, it’s difficult. Sometimes you really love unsafe people. Sometimes you cry over them. Sometimes you hurt because of how they’ve treated you. But you should never, never allow them to make you feel worthless. That’s really not safe.

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Stephanie Ann Adams performs her unique and practical brand of therapy online at Beginnings Counseling & Consulting. (www.stephanieadamslpc.com) She is licensed as a professional counselor. She knew she was meant to be a therapist (whether she was willing or not!) when her fellow freshman started showing up at her dorm room at random times to talk about their problems. Since her practicum through Dallas Baptist University, when she was first able to start seeing clients, she knew she made the right career choice. She considers anytime she is able to provide others with something that helps them the best reward for the work she does. Before she was married, Stephanie Ann Adams had a last name that began with "S", and initials S.A.S. – thus, many of her friends gave her the nickname “Sassy.” Stephanie married Tim in May 2009. She would go on here about how wonderful he is, but he would be embarrassed about it. Outside of time spent in “psych nerd” pursuits, she enjoys reality tv drama and reading obsessively. Some of her favorite things are rainy days, Butterfingers and her old, scratched-up ’95 Camry.

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