Why Can't We Be Friends?

From the very beginning of your existence, your parents have taken care of you. If you’re lucky, they did a good job and it and when you grow up, part of you will miss the day-to-day love and devotion it took to take care of you. But the reality is, each of us has to take that step. (If you’re not ever going to be ready to do that, that’s a whole ‘nother problem and we need to talk.) When that does happen, the question becomes, how do we change the relationship with our parents from that of a helpless dependence to an adult friendship of equals?
The role of a parent is unique, and some things will never change. I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t matter how wonderful my husband is, (and he is wonderful!) a little part of me will always want my mom when I’m sick. Aside from those basic exceptions, however, it is possible for adult children to make a healthy transition to the friend of their parents. If you want to let your parents know you’re ready for a relationship on a new level, don’t just wish they would “get it.” Remember, they’ve seen you as a dependent for eighteen years. We’re the ones changing, not them, and it’s our job to show them we are responsible, thoughtful individuals now, not to just assume they should know this automatically.
There’s no solution that encompasses everything, but there’s a few things I’ve learned along the way that helps the process. The first thing is to remember for you to ask about them. Your parents agree with you that you are indisputably awesome and probably better than any other kid in America. It’s understood. So it’s okay to not always talk about that. Ask about their lives: their friends, their jobs, and their hobbies.
Another thing to remember is to resist the temptation to go immediately to your parents when something goes wrong and have them bail you out. I know: real life sucks sometimes. But how do you ever expect them to stop treating you like a kid who can’t handle life if you don’t handle life? You can’t complain about them constantly butting into your life if you’re the one who has laid out the welcome mat. I’ve talked to many adult children who are shocked when their mother won’t stop giving her opinion, when they ask her about it. Incredibly horrible of her, I know. That’s another aspect of this admonition. If you don’t want your parents to weigh in on a choice you’ve made, don’t phrase it as a question. If you ask them, “what do you think?” they will tell you. If you want to have an adult relationship, share information with your parents, don’t ask them to help you come up with a solution. They’ve been fixing your problems for years, and honestly, they deserve a break.
A third thing to consider is making the relationship a priority. It is already a priority to your parents. But they probably worry about where they stand, now that you are all caught up in the excitement of a life on their own. They may still enjoy the quiet, or the chance to live their own lives, but part of them is probably thinking, “do I still matter to them?” A simple solution is to put yourself on a mental schedule to remind you to make them a part of your life. Everybody has different demands on their time, so there’s not a hard-and-fast solution for everyone, but there is a right solution for you. Perhaps your right number for letting them know you care is once a month, perhaps it’s every few days. Whatever it is, remind yourself to give them a call, write them a letter, or send them a funny youtube video. (If they can figure out how to open it.) This lets them know they still fit into your new life.
In the very, very distant, practically unimaginable future, you will likely have kids that are your own age now. They will move out. They will have a life outside of you. What kind of relationship would you want with them?

Unsafe People

As a small child in short pants and a hat with a propeller on top, your parents taught you about “stranger danger.” This warning involved solicitation for help finding lost puppies, and offers of wonderfully sugary candies or thrilling car rides. These are valid dangers, but the thing your parents may not have known how to tell you about is people who are dangerous not in the physical but in the emotional sense of the word.
Identifying the types of people that are unsafe to be around is not something we are born knowing how to do, at least not for me. It took me years, in some cases, to learn my lesson. It was a book by Cloud & Townsend, called Safe People, which helped me see what I didn’t know. The book outlines for the layperson some of the hidden dangers in people that we often don’t know how to acknowledge. For many people, seeing this invites immediate, electric identification. I know that person. She was my neighbor! That was exactly how so-and-so in college treated me!
Here are some of the things they tell you to look for when trying to negotiate this balance in your own relationships. An unsafe person avoids problems instead of dealing with them. Why does this make someone unsafe? Because if the problems are avoided, they just keep coming back. I know. I allowed a cycle to continue with a person I was close to in which we would stop speaking for up to a year at a time, and then get back together like nothing happened because we missed each other so much. We never resolved anything, and that is why we ended up in the same situation three times.
For an unsafe person, it’s always somebody else’s fault, not theirs. Logically, that’s just not possible. Sometimes, it’s going to be your fault, and most likely it’s usually a combination of factors. Unsafe people shy away from emotional intimacy, and those walls make things dangerous for those that care about them. Those walls mean that the person who resists can leave the relationship anytime without getting hurt, while the safe person who allowed this person into their life is crushed in the break-up.
A dear friend and I were discussing recently how we learned some of this the hard way. From my perspective, the quality that had been tripping her up was one of the things I liked best about her, which is an undying sense of loyalty to those she cares about. (Another quality of an unsafe person: instability over time instead of consistency. This definition would, therefore, make my friend super-safe to be close to.) Loyalty, however, can be abused by those who don’t see its’ value. For me, my personal challenge has been that I focus on people’s potential goodness instead of the reality of their current state.
I still believe that was partially the right way to go. The people I invite into my life are welcomed because I see how incredibly interesting and amazing they seem to be, and want to be around that myself. But you can’t choose to be around someone for who they might be, but for who they are right now. I understand, that’s easier said than done. Sometimes because the person might be a family member, or incredibly sexy, or just a really cool person, the temptation can be to keep things going.
When I think about the unsafe people I’ve had in my life, some of the things they’ve done still hurt. I still miss them, and wish things could have turned out differently between us. I think that’s normal. We’re not meant to go through life as robots. In order to experience the fullness of love and joy in the world, we have to expose ourselves to pain. The balance to that is in saying, “I deserve to be treated with respect. It’s not okay to accuse me of things I didn’t do. It’s not okay to punish me by withdrawing your affections when I make mistakes, rather than talking to me about it in a loving manner.”
It’s not an impassible divide. An unsafe person can learn to be safe. The key is, you must wait until that happens. After you get to know the neighbor down the street, it’s okay to accept her lollipops and to ride in her car. But please don’t do it before. I know, it’s difficult. Sometimes you really love unsafe people. Sometimes you cry over them. Sometimes you hurt because of how they’ve treated you. But you should never, never allow them to make you feel worthless. That’s really not safe.

People-Pleasing

What would you do if someone didn’t like you? Or, perhaps more tellingly, what would you do in order to get someone to like you? If the thought of the first fills you with a flutter of dread and the answer to the second is “anything”, you might be afflicted with a common ailment. This condition is crippling, futile, and above all, static. It’s called people-pleasing, and it’s much more common than you might think.
It’s so easy to get sucked into that people tend to adapt to the situation and accept it as normal. That can seem insane to those who are not in the middle of it. I had a client* who thought it normal, if annoying, for her to “have” to answer her grandmother’s phone calls and to participate in 45-minute long conversations to the tune of three times a day. That was her reality. Another client allowed her traditional parents to make her question her choice to join a law firm and to marry her fiancée, who wanted to pursue social work, because they wanted her to join the family business. She is still reminded constantly how she has let the family down, even though previous businesses the family has owned have gone into bankruptcy. She has considered giving in just to stop the onslaught.
From the outside, it may seem easy to laugh at these people as foolish or off-balance, but think to yourself if people-pleasing has ever made you do something someone else might think just as foolish. Have you ever ended up doing something you didn’t want, like fulfilling family obligations or taking on a higher workload, just because someone else might “be mad at you”? How many of you have felt badly about yourself, like you are a failure as a mother, son, sibling, or friend, because you didn’t do what someone else told you that you should? In addition to many of the other things mentioned, I have ended up apologizing to people in my life when I did nothing wrong, just to keep them from being angry with me. These behaviors just trap people in an endless cycle, solving nothing.
Why do we do these things? Sometimes, it is about how we want to define ourselves. The state of being liked by others becomes the condition that means we are “good people.” It can be about something another person is holding over your head. Shelter, free babysitting, and job security can be incentives to go beyond what is healthy to make another person happy. Many times people prefer preserving the actual relationship, no matter the quality, to their own well-being.
I think the question at the base of all this is, “Who does people-pleasing actually help?” It may seem worth it to efface yourself for the needs of others, but in reality it’s not. By giving in to the unhealthy want of another person, you are reinforcing their behavior. You will have to continue giving in again, and again, and again, in order to continue meeting that need. It will never be enough. You will continue to pour yourself out to meet their needs, and they will continue to take from you. And you will be more and more miserable.
Here’s the kicker. You don’t have to do it.
Your great-aunt will still love you even if you can only make it to see her once a week instead of daily, though she might complain a little. Your friend may leave you in a huff when you break your deferential silence and tell him, hey, it might not be the best idea to blow brain cells you can’t get back doing X, but is that a person that is really healthy to be around?
You do not have to live your life looking for what will make other people happy. Your relationship with others will be strengthened without the anger at being taken advantage of simmering below the surface. The fact is, if their behavior irritates and inconveniences you, it does the same to others as well. By refusing to put up with it in a loving manner, you are actually aiding in making them a person other people will want to be around. That’s why it’s okay to look out for your well-being, and that of your children or spouse. Refusing to people-please does everyone a favor.
If you have a challenge with people-pleasing you would like to get help with, email me at stephanieadams@family-counseling.org and maybe I will be able to address YOUR need in a future column. I look forward to hearing from you!

*All identifying information has been disguised in all examples to protect confidentiality.

A Therapeutic Definition

“Well, you just need to get therapy.”
For most, the idea that they might need professional help is an insult. Other people can make the unfair judgment that you cannot handle your own problems, and so you need somebody to fix you. At times, it can actually feel like those around you are saying, “I cannot handle you, so go to someone else and give me a break.” With this kind of distorted view, who in the world would want to get therapy?
The first step to true help is realizing that all of these negative and shameful misconceptions are false. I think it is insulting to tell someone they need another person to "fix" them. The only way that anyone will be able to achieve a fundamental and life-altering change is if they choose to do it themselves. My job as a professional counseling intern, temporarily licensed by the state of Texas until I complete the required term of supervised practice, is to help and guide them in changing themselves. I do not believe that any one person or group is capable of changing somebody else. Anyone who has ever witnessed two fully capable, intelligent people brought to tears by a toddler’s refusal to consume something green can agree with me.
People go to a car mechanic when they know something is wrong with their vehicle, but are unable to fix it. Likewise, when people come to see me, they know that things in their life need to be different or better, but they do not know where to start. Just like the car mechanic, I am only a resource. Would you feel shameful in consulting your doctor about a broken arm, or using a cookbook to find the right ingredients to make the perfect cheesecake? Why then, should there be any shame in consulting a person who has education, training, and licensure in helping people work through their personal problems?
What a counselor can provide for you is the benefit of their training, which is then tailored to your specific needs and personality. By not being a part of your inner circle of friends and family, I am able to solely focus on you, the client. Because I am separate from your life, I bring in no pre-existing assumptions. At times, people may think that their best friends or spouse can help listen and work out their problems, but this is not always the case. People we are close to are unable to be objective about what we are going through. I can hear what you are saying without a sense of lifelong pessimism or extreme devotion of a best friend or spouse. By having this objectivity, I can see things in your life that you are unable to, just as you could if I, as a stranger, was telling you about mine.
Therapy is about being there for you. It is about listening first, then supporting and guiding you as you undergo difficult changes in your life. What I want most, the very reason I choose to be a therapist, is to be there with you as you shape yourself into the person you always wanted to be. Later on, after you have reached that place you hoped for, we will part and you will go on to live your newly changed life. If that is what you want for yourself, come on in to see me. I will meet you there.